SueWorks

Medical Care

I really want to send a letter to my doctor but I'm sure the tone of my first draft sucks.  What do you think?

Dear Doctor,

I am on hold waiting to speak with your office about my test results.  I would have preferred to make an appointment and come in to speak with you but Nancy expressed dissatisfaction when I tried to do so.

You are very busy, as am I.  Well it seems more convenient for me to phone for results and to arrange for additional procedures, it is in fact not.  My last test was on November 15, eight business days ago and over two weeks past.  Today I finally got the results due to my persistence in calling your office. 

I feel like your office does not want my business or my care.  I can wholly respect that decision.  You have two options: 

1. To make a commitment to my care and to communicate that to your staff.

or

2. To recommend me to another doctor in the area who works with women over 40 trying to conceive.  And provide copies of my medical records.

I really do not feel confident when my medical care is being managed by someone named Nancy who does not appear to have a medical degree.  Perhaps I am mistaken.

Sincerely,

Substance and Fluff

Why does fluff seem to be more highly valued than substance?  There's a show business expression, "She belongs in radio."  It's so unfair.  If you haven't guess by now, I'm more of substance type than a fluff type. 

I'm feeling so overwhelmed by my wanting to do a good job and my almost obsessive feelings about my appearence.  Fortunately or not, I haven't resorted to bulimia.  The way I feel today, it's looking more and more attractive.  For the past year I've been paying Weight Watchers and that's about it.  If anyone really looked at my record, they'd have spoken with me.  It's not been going well at all, not by any stretch of my imagination.

Maybe today is the day it will all turn around.  So far I've had breakfast, nutritious and satisfying.  If I can just hold on and eat a good lunch and then really hold on and have a nutritious dinner, I just might make it a good food day.  Wish me luck.  Oh no!  My tummy is growling.

Any way I wanted to complain about the superficial people that make the world their home.  And I got sidetracked with food.  Someone, help me.  It's not working out for me.

Authentic Personship

I am a leader of myself and a member of the world and I need to remind myself that Authenticity is the key to a happy life.

Merriam-Webster's Online says that authentic means:

1 obsolete : AUTHORITATIVE 2 a : worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact <paints an authentic picture of our society> b : conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features <an authentic reproduction of a colonial farmhouse> c : made or done the same way as an original <authentic Mexican fare> 3 : not false or imitation : REAL, ACTUAL <based on authentic documents> <an authentic cockney accent> 4 a of a church mode : ranging upward from the keynote -- compare PLAGAL 1 b of a cadence : progressing from the dominant chord to the tonic -- compare PLAGAL 2 5 : true to one's own personality, spirit, or character

So, how can Sue be more authentic in the number 5 meaning?

It's an old story, I'm insecure and lacking in confidence.  These relativity inward facing feelings get twisted because I work in a very public type job so my reserve and shyness is masked by quiet and aloofness.  Damn, why can't I just be myself?  I can't because then people would like me less, or so I feel. 

These are probably not the best thoughts to have 2 hours before work. 

The Day Before the Day

Tomorrow is our third wedding anniversary.  I got pearls, ordered them myself.  He got shoes that he ordered himself.  It's not very romantic but it is practical.  I strongly believe in getting what you want and not leather, like Craig.

Does one have cake to celebrate an anniversary?  We're going to Claim Jumper tonight and the chocolate cake is heaven and hell all in one.  It's just that good.

When I got engaged and showed my ring to a friend, I commented that I would like to "move up" in the future to which he replied, "Oh no!  Every person I know who enlarged the stone ended up divorced."  So I'm thinking diamond earrings for year five. 

Craig better start saving.  Oh, I keep control of the finances.  I better start budgeting.

Happy Day Before the day before the day before Thanksgiving!

Caring People

I have become so jaded and cynical that I cannot believe that people really care about me.  OK, I'm not psycho and do not think everyone is out to get me.  That said, I do have a sense that the people I work with cannot be trusted.  I feel that the proverbial pie has shrunken so much that I am closely guarding my small piece and watching for when others let their guard down.  If I'm doing this then I sure as heck think my co-workers are too.

I hate these feelings.  They are enervating. 

The answer that I do not want to hear is that I need to get out of this unhealthy work environment.  Or find ways to mentally detach myself, and separate "who I am" from "what I do."  Any advice?

Next entry:  Power Struggle:  Imagined or Real?

Open Enrollment

We have merit increases (annual raises) in July and benefit increases in January.  It's a nice balance.  For six months you enjoy a little extra cash and in January you kick yourself for not saving the extra cash to pay for the higher co-pays and premiums.

It's a vicious circle of life.  I suppose it's a bit akin to Simba eating the gazelle and the hyena getting the bones.  It's tiring to always be the bones.

My Cat

I was in the process of writing a deep entry on beauty, truth and justice and the cat jumped on the mouse.

So this is all I can muster.

I am conflicted in my life because my work does not support my values.  I have to lie too much to be successful at work and that doesn't work for me.

Leader as Servant

The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant.

This quote is from a Training/Quality of Work Life Manager's email announcing to the local training community that he was leaving his current job and was looking to find his replacement.  Just interesting to me.   

I've been given (hoisted) the role of informal leader, which is an oxymoron right?  So it's interesting to me that I need to be a servant first.  I understand the idea totally but I'm totally unable to grasp how to leave my personal interests outside of my business decisions.  For example, I cannot let personal slights and affronts affect me; I must place the good of the group before my own. 

Does this sound like a Borg colony to you?  It does to me.  What happened to WIIFM?

Half Empty

I am a half empty kinda gal.  They say the first step is admitting you have a problem.  Oh boy, do I have a problem.  I talk in absolutes, like "she's always mean" or "he's never helpful."  These are not accurate and definitely not good things to say about co-workers. 

When you're a pessimist like me, people do not want to be around you.  Even you have trouble standing your own company sometimes.  Most people can tolerate a pessimist in their Accounting department.  But in HR you cannot be a vocal pessimist, at least not where I work.

How can I be more optimistic?  I've tired sage advice, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  I was silent for two days.  People thought I was mad at them.  And honestly, I was feeling less good after only two hours.  I have the tendency to say "No" too quickly.  I know I do this, but I also have trouble changing my behaviors. 

So, I'm approaching mid-life now, and the half-full approach might be, "Cool, Sue, you have over 40 years to work on this!"

Politics and Buttons

Not the political button types, but something else.  I'll get back to this.

Dear Craig is sick, fortunately.  His strength to bash Kerry and Democrats is almost diminished.  I can actually spend time in the same room with him now.  He is a Libertarian who voted for Bush this time around.  I am planning to send him to a fundamental Christian church each Sunday this coming four years for his political choice.  But as you all know, America is a free country (forever, Please God!) even for people like Craig.  He will not be in the center aisle this Sunday, he'll still be in bed, drinking tea with honey and lemon (and whiskey.)  Woe is me!

Now the buttons part.  How do you add buttons to your blog?  If only I were a directions reader.  Heck, I can barely program my VCR.  I've had it for six (6) years.  The only reason I know how to do it is because I got married and my sister (the programmer) no longer lives with me.

The last totally unrelated comment:  Mom and I are seeing Carmen this evening.  Please remind me to take the binoculars.